I am finding out all sort of stuff I never knew about myself with this pregnancy. For instance, that I have a very tender cervix that bruises and bleeds at the slightest provocation. This is a surprise to me, since I am usually fairly rough and tumble. I'm hardy and I hardly ever get sick; I guess I thought that would translate to a relatively uneventful pregnancy. Not so, I guess, since I was put on pelvic rest today after a mildly alarming episode of bleeding last night. To maintain at least a semblance of modesty, I won't say exactly what brought it on or what exactly pelvic rest entails, except to tell you that James was very depressed about it. I will be SO GLAD when this first trimester is over and I can relax a little. Only five more weeks!!
I have been having such a nice relaxing time at Aunt Cathy's house. When James left on Sunday I decided to stay behind, partly because my morning sickness won't let me survive a four-hour car ride and partly because I just cannot go back to that cramped and stifling apartment. I feel like all of my troubles live there. It's a dream come true to be able to relax and to get away and to spend a lot of time outside, something I don't get to do when I'm at home, since we have no yard or porch or balcony and our neighborhood isn't the greatest. I spent so much time this afternoon just sitting in the hammock by the lake. The weather was perfect.
One thing that I've been doing with my mom and aunt while I'm here is looking at houses for rent in Richmond. I think the Richmond move is going to need to happen sooner rather than later. I literally cannot stand to be away from my family right now (even my mom, who is being much better) and I know a lot of my depression is tied to living so far away from the majority of my support network. Though they individually drive me crazy a lot of the time, collectively, my family is my life. It's so nice to feel like part of a tribe again. Last night we had a family dinner with Mom and Dad and Aunt Cathy, Uncle Jerry, Aunt Liz, Caitlin, Kelsey. Today Uncle Mike came over to swim. When I am around my family I feel secure, like a part of a whole. When I am away from them I feel unmoored and lonely. I guess this is just because of how I was raised, as part of a large clan that lives nearby to one another and interacts on a daily basis. For better or for worse, it's who I am.
On Saturday, we went up to Richmond and toured some of the houses we'd found online. James and I had scheduled appointments at a lot of townhomes in the urban part of the city. We saw some amazing places, including a row house built in 1853, with all the original fixtures and an old carriage house with slave quarters in the backyard. It would have been amazing to live there, but I am realizing that what I really desire is a little starter home in a quieter, more residential part of town, with a yard and a shady, tree-lined street. The old me would have loved to be in the heart of things, but the new me needs some peace and quiet. I'm not 23 anymore--thankfully and regretfully.
On the drive home, I got in a fight with my mom. It started when I mentioned that I was upset that my Aunt Liz had told my uncles about my pregnancy. I felt it wasn't her place and amounted to a betrayal of trust; my mother felt that Aunt Liz hadn't meant any harm and told me to get over it. That made me feel like I wasn't allowed to be upset, and so I started crying, and I told her that I feel like my whole life, I've felt I'm not allowed to have any feelings unless she approves of them, and that that is stifling me and frustrating me. Things could have taken a turn for the worse, but they didn't. Because we were trapped in the car together, we had to work things out. We couldn't just storm away angry. And so we did, sort of, and so we've been actually able to enjoy each other's company since. It's only been a few days, but I can't help thinking that something has clicked, and things might actually be different from now on. Maybe not 100% better, but it's a start in the right direction. We've both been on our best behavior since, and I am cautiously optimistic. (If James's mother would stop being so petulant about our move, I'd be perfectly happy).
I am sitting out on the deck writing this and it's so beautiful out tonight. There's a full moon and everything is crickety and cool. I broke out my comfy fleece sweater and I'm still a little chilly. I am so excited for fall!
I'm LMBO at the "pelvic rest" bit. Poor James. Poor you. At least it wasn't total bed rest. That is one of the first questions they ask when when you're bleeding though. You know,"When was the last time..."
ReplyDeleteI hope you guys can make the move to Richmond happen. I know too well how hard it can be to be away from your family. Sadly most of my family scattered since my Grannie died. I was just thinking this morning how I really missed my aunts and cousins though.
Bart doesn't really understand. He didn't grow up close to any family. I lived on the same street as one of my dad's sisters and his mom (my Grannie Scott).
I'm glad you and your mom are getting along better. That's good if being around your family helps you. Tonight was phone call night with my Mom, and I don't think she ever quite got it when I told her that I intend to stay away from situations that cause me stress in order to some day actually get to have children. She still hasn't figured out that she's a cause of my stress. We're not open enough for us to talk things out, and honestly I don't want to.
Oh dear, the pelvic rest! We never had that, but I was so nauseous the first half of both pregnancies that I might as well have been on pelvic rest!
ReplyDeleteIt is wonderful (and occasionally maddening) to be part of a clan. Most of my aunts and uncles have been in and out of my parents' home this past month, all helping (or interfering) my grandfather move from his apartment to the nursing home, and poor Carl has had to listen to me whine about how much I want to be there too - it just doesn't seem right when the whole family is gathered together and I can't be there. Carl's family is sort of indifferent toward each other: they have planned and scheduled family reunions once a year, and that's it. My family is loud, crazy, fun, and always in each others business. I can't imagine living any other way!
Your little one is going to be so blessed to be born into that sort of extended family, especially if you guys are living right in the midst of them, so that he grows up with that closeness as part of his everyday life.