It's so amazing how quickly things can change. Just a few weeks ago, I felt totally bereft, wondering what lay ahead, thinking of life as something grim and cheerless stretching out into nothingness. Today I am filled with joy and hope and contentment and true excitement for the months and years ahead.

Last week I thought I was getting sick, and I could tell I was depressed by how much I was eating. I would be finishing a meal, and thinking of what to eat next. I love my food but that rarely happens. I was also nodding off over my afternoon work--every afternoon, at 3PM on the dot, my eyes would close of their own accord. Since I stay up until 1 or 2 AM easily most nights, this was really unlike me.

I was also dreading an acquaintance's shower on Saturday afternoon. How could I get through it, I wondered, how could I be adequately happy for her when my own heart was breaking over the less than encouraging fertility news James and I had gotten? It was small of me, I know. But I could feel the beginnings of PMS: cramps, a TON of zits, bad mood, and I didn't want to go, I wanted to stay home and cry and feel sorry for myself. I was really unreasonable.

I thought about not going, about begging off. But I couldn't. I went to the bookstore and got the baby a selection of board books for his little library. I promised myself on the way to the shower that I would stay for just a little while, and then leave. So I went to the shower. When I showed up, everything was in disarray. My pregnant friend J. looked totally exhausted and the person throwing the shower had flaked out. Nothing was set up. The food wasn't out. The decorations weren't up. The cupcakes weren't iced. People were milling around, drinking and eating from under the plastic covering everything, but nobody was helping the poor mother to be, whose party we were attending!

So I put my feelings aside. I rolled up my sleeves and I spent the next hour decorating cupcakes, making little fondant blankets for little fondant baby heads to peek out of. And to my surprise, I enjoyed myself. I was having fun being useful. And even thought J and I have never been close, and even though I had been jealous of her happiness, I found that it didn't matter, because I was happy. I was happy for her, and I was happy to help. It felt good to help. And as I worked, I knew that my time would come, and I decided to look forward to it with anticipation, and to cherish the last few months of my carefree, childfree existence.

Well.

When I got home, just for laughs, I took a dollar store pregnancy test, and it was positive. At least: I thought it was. There was a line--wasn't there? Maybe? Or was it a shadow? I couldn't be sure. I took every pregnancy test I had in the house--I had bought a huge batch of them months ago, at the beginning of this--but they all were ambiguous. Finally, James and I ran across the street to get a digital test, the kind that says PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT and faint little lines be damned!

I did the test--we waited--

PREGNANT. Definitively.

Based on my ovulation date, I am 4 weeks pregnant today. My baby, if we both manage to survive these long, long three seasons ahead of us, should be born around May 10, 2011. A springtime baby. My baby--mine and James's.

I feel like an entirely different person than the one I was days ago. I am so happy. I thought my hormones were supposed to be wreaking havoc? But they aren't, emotionally. I just feel great. I did have a sobbing fit earlier today when I read my baby was only as big as a poppy seed--it just seems so small, and it makes me worry. Something that small can get lost. I know the odds, and I want my baby to grow big and strong and be out of danger, and I want to be sure that it will stay, that it will be born. But that worry, though it's there, feels small next to the peace and wonder and joy I feel.

(And the hunger I feel. I'm SO HUNGRY. AND TIRED. And this weird heartburn--yeesh. But that might be because I am craving food with Tabasco in it. AND LOTS of it! And my boobs are aching--they feel like they've been punched, hard.)

So far we've told my mom and dad, and nobody else yet--save you ladies who read this blog. But I don't want to tell too many people--I'm afraid they'll make a fuss. My baby is so small right now, and a big fuss feels too big for him. I want to keep it a secret, but at the same time, I was bursting to tell someone. I really didn't feel right keeping it from you guys. I've noticed that I can't talk to anybody now because all I want to do is shout from the rooftops. I'M HAVING A BABY! And I definitely want to be able to keep talking to you. :) But this is TOP SECRET until October or so, and I'll probably take this journal entry down tomorrow in case snoopy-snoops should stumble across it and spread it around.

I have my first prenatal appointment on Thursday. I am equal parts excited and nervous about it. Basically, I am equal parts excited and nervous about everything right now. I am glad I turned to God before I got this news, because now I am able to pray with a sincere heart: Dear Lord, please let everything be OK. Please let my baby be healthy and normal and strong. And to trust in His wisdom, and put my life--and this new life inside of me--into His capable hands.