Last night, immediately after posting my last entry, I was full of terror and darkness and didn't know what to do. God bless my agnostic husband, though, because he took me and sat me down and told me to pray. And as soon as he said it, I knew that's what this whole swell of emotion had been: a prayer. Only I wasn't directing it to God, because I wasn't sure of Him. And he couldn't answer, because I had closed myself off.
So I closed my eyes and I said, "God, I put my heart in your hands tonight. Please hold it for me, so that I can have a little peace and respite from my fear."
As soon as I had thought those words, I felt peace come over me, like a blanket. Like when I am having the height of my panic, and I take a Klonopin. It was that good, that complete. And I felt better.
I kept running my mind through the old songs that we used to sing in church for the responsorial psalm, and one in particular jumped out at me, one that I cantered many, many times back at Pius.
The Lord is my Light, my help my salvation
Why should I fear? With God, I fear nothing
God protects me all my days
With the Lord, what should I dread?
I kept repeating it over and over to myself, even singing it out loud. Even after I stopped being Catholic, stopped being religious, I loved to sing that song. Now I know that is because something in me was aching, crying out for light. Because something in me recognized the truth of those words.
My doubts have come back today, not in full force, but they are there. My rational brain keeps trying to make logical sense of the divine, even of the divinity I have felt, trying to draw parallels, trying to explain things and scoffing at it, when it can't. I am working through this. I don't really have a plan except to keep praying, and to keep opening myself up to the Lord. I don't think my faith is even as large as a mustard seed at this point, but to use the analogy, I am going to plant my faith and tend to it and try to let it grow. As Adrienne said, I am not going to bar the door, but to throw it wide open.
One day, I feel sure I will look back at this moment and be able to see that God was already there in this heart that feels so empty right now.
I appreciate so much the testimonies and the stories and the verses you guys have shared with me. I would be so honored and grateful if you could keep them coming and I thank you for the ones you have given me so far.
Work is crazy. Possible "modern day Bonnie & Clyde" might have held up a beauty shop up here today - while Bill Clinton was in town. I'll read this and comment for real when I get home. You've been on my mind all day!
ReplyDeleteYou know I will continue to pray! You've taken that first step - I'm not saying everything will just be easy from here on in, but it will progress. You keep asking, and God will keep giving. Even our faith doesn't come from us; it too is a gift from God, and even when we don't think we're strong enough to sustain it, he gives it in abundance.
ReplyDeleteThe Psalms are beautiful to read when you are struggling with doubt and fear. Psalms 19, 90, and 121 are some of my favorites.
Anything else I can do for you - I'm here.
Everything's not easy from here on in. Every time you're on the mountaintop, it seems something is there to pull you back down. That's how we grow in our relationships with God. That's how, little by little, we learn to trust Him more and more. What you're experiencing isn't religion. Religion is empty tradition. What you're experiencing is relationship. Religion, ritual, and tradition are nothing without the relationship.
ReplyDeleteLike Louise said though, faith and strength don't come from us. They can't come from us. it can only come from God. God doesn't speak to us in a loud James Earl Jones voice either. He speaks to us in a still, small voice when we open our ears to listen.
That song that you're remembering comes from Psalm 27, and well I think that is a wonderful verse to meditate over right now. In a way, I believe God may be directing you to that.
If music helps bring your peace, I'm going to recommend an entire album to you. It's "All Things New" by the husband / wife duo Watermark. It's several years old now, but I've returned to listening to it in recent months, and it has been a great comfort to me. I got to spend a weekend listening to them lead praise when I was in college at a place called Falls Creek. They no longer exist as Watermark today, but they're still married. She does solo stuff, he produces, they spend more time ministering and raising their three children. My favorite songs right now are #'s 4, 10, and well 6 for obvious reasons.
Philippians 1:3-6 " 3I thank my God every time I remember you. 4In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Also, I've been wondering if the two of you and maybe one or two other of our "peeps" would like to possibly some day start some sort of online Bible study?
ReplyDeleteAdrienne, count me in for that online Bible Study - my soul is thirsty for shared study right now!
ReplyDeleteCathy, if you're looking for other parts of the Bible that might help you right now, I definitely recommend the gospel of John. It's my favorite out of the four gospels, and I think it's the one that shows the most clearly (to me, anyway) God's unfailing, steadfast love despite all our flaws and failings.
John is my favorite gospel, too! He was so close to Jesus, his point of view is amazing. Louise, we're going to have to do this! We can set up something especially for the Bible Study and start off with I don't know... maybe something Beth Moore. Or maybe you have a better idea?
ReplyDeleteI'll have to think about it, Adrienne. It's been so long since I've been in any kind of Bible Study, I'm out of the loop when it comes to resources.
ReplyDeleteCathy, do you mind if I have Carl read this post and the last one? He has the type of logical, practical mind that needs to reason everything out, and he might have some helpful thoughts for you. If you feel at all weird or uncomfortable about it, though, I totally understand.
Adrienne, I would love to join the Bible study. I am reading a book now called Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time, and the author has a book called Reading the Bible Again for the First Time which I am going to read next. So I am definitely interested in looking at Scripture with a fresh pair of eyes and a new perspective than when I did Bible studies as a kid and teenager.
ReplyDeleteLouise, I would also love for Carl to read these posts, too. I kind of wanted to ask if you would pass it along to him, but I felt weird about it, so I didn't. Thank you for suggesting it!
Just...Thanks you guys.
Louise, I'm the same way. I was thinking of asking my friend Stephanie, who works in ministry, what she would recommend. I'm also about to make a vague blog post about it.
ReplyDeleteWell, ok! I did send a message to Steph, just asking what she would suggest. I told her that I was leaning toward a women-centered study, since that's what we are and all need encouragement in. I'm going to start a private blog for us and if we need to expand from there, we can. If anyone has friends you want to invite, do!
ReplyDeleteI know a couple other stay-at-home moms who were talking about wanting to do an online Bible Study - if you guys don't mind, once we get things established, I'll mention it to them.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind at all.
ReplyDelete