My positive outlook is failing me.
My friend T is in the hospital now having her baby boy. And I have been sobbing for hours.
Because I am ANGRY. T had an easy pregnancy. My friends from high school, who got pregnant the same time as me, are both having easy pregnancies. One of them updated her facebook status this morning about how she shoveled 2 feet of snow from her car. I can't even GO OUTSIDE.
Of course I want everything to turn out for the best with all my friends and all their children. But at the same time, I am angry at everyone in the world who had an easy pregnancy with a healthy outcome, because they get to enjoy their pregnancies. Because they seem to deserve that more than me.
I know things could be a lot worse for me and for little Anouk. But they could be a lot better, too. And I don't know why the hard way always falls to me to walk. JUST ONCE I would like to have things turn out ideally, to not have to worry so much or so hard.
Most of all I am angry at myself. Why do I have to be so faulty? Why can't my body do the right thing by my baby? Why can't I keep her safe?
I want to turn to God, but the truth is that right now I am angry at Him, too.
Oh, Cathy. I'm probably not the right one to talk about this, because of my two healthy pregnancies, but I do remember feeling so cheated, because even though everything was going well I was so miserable and sick and depressed all through both pregnancies, and I never got to enjoy any of it. All my pregnant friends would talk about how lousy they felt, and then go run a marathon or something, and I had all I could do to get myself dressed in the morning. I felt like I was a failure at pregnancy, and weaker than everyone else, and on, and on.
ReplyDeleteSome of it was hormones. A lot of it had to do with our culture's perception of success and failure, strength and weakness, and with the fact that we expect pregnant women to act as though they aren't pregnant, and when a woman's body requires a little more tender care throughout the pregnancy, we somehow regard it as a sign of failure.
You are already being a good mother, wanting what is best for little Anouk. It's natural to be frustrated with those who don't even have to think about those concerns yet, before their babies are born. I wish I could tell you it gets easier - but I still get mad at myself when I feel I'm failing as a mother, and irritated with other parents who seem to manage it all so effortlessly, without questioning their every move and every motive. I don't have any answers for you, but know that you are not alone in this, and if you ever need to just talk it all out with someone, I'm here.
And I get mad at God too, sometimes. My mother always tells me that it's okay to be mad at him. He's a big God, he can take our anger. And he still loves us through it.
I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, yet at the same time my thoughts return to at least you're still pregnant.
ReplyDeleteWe don't talk about the difficult pregnancies, and society makes us feel inadequate when they exist. The thing is that we're all different, and we're not all supposed to experience things the same way. We don't all have to be Super Woman, and frankly I like it that way. It may not seem like it now, but these months will be but a faded memory.
I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner, but I have steered away from computers some while I was on vacation. I have been avoiding things, mostly my family. Also, for some reason this blog doesn't show up on my Google Reader, and what time I have spent online it's been on my iPad lately.
Thank you for the words of support. I'm doing slightly better today. I am clinging to the fact that things could be worse and that I'm lucky to have gotten this far and that all signs point to a good outcome.
ReplyDeleteAdrienne, you are right about how people don't talk about difficult aspects of pregnancy. People are sympathetic, yes, but they wait for an explanation of WHY and sometimes there isn't one. And you can see them thinking, "I am SO GLAD this didn't happen to me!"