My positive outlook is failing me.

My friend T is in the hospital now having her baby boy. And I have been sobbing for hours.

Because I am ANGRY. T had an easy pregnancy. My friends from high school, who got pregnant the same time as me, are both having easy pregnancies. One of them updated her facebook status this morning about how she shoveled 2 feet of snow from her car. I can't even GO OUTSIDE.

Of course I want everything to turn out for the best with all my friends and all their children. But at the same time, I am angry at everyone in the world who had an easy pregnancy with a healthy outcome, because they get to enjoy their pregnancies. Because they seem to deserve that more than me.

I know things could be a lot worse for me and for little Anouk. But they could be a lot better, too. And I don't know why the hard way always falls to me to walk. JUST ONCE I would like to have things turn out ideally, to not have to worry so much or so hard.

Most of all I am angry at myself. Why do I have to be so faulty? Why can't my body do the right thing by my baby? Why can't I keep her safe?

I want to turn to God, but the truth is that right now I am angry at Him, too.

Let your heart be light.

Well, things very rarely go as planned. do they?

A week ago, I was running around getting ready for a busy holiday. Today I am back on bed rest--AGAIN. It appears that my cervix (like myself) is TOO SHORT and I have to try and take some pressure off of it. It doesn't help that baby Anne is sitting right on top of things, kicking merrily away.

So we're looking at a very different holiday this year. I won't be going to church. I won't be making cookies or visiting family. I'll be lying on my left side on the couch or in bed with a pillow under my rear.

"Christmas is CANCELED," said James, half-jokingly.

But I don't think it is, really. It's amazing how a situation like this makes you realize what the season is truly about. I don't care about presents or trappings. I have my husband and right now I have my baby and we are all safe and well. And hopefully, next year Anne will be here and at least this particular trouble will be out of sight.

Merry Christmas to all!