James and I started trying for a baby last month, and because he has a varicocele, basically a varicose vein in an important part of his baby-making anatomy, we had his sperm tested to rule out defects, because the vein can overheat things, which prevents pregnancy. The results came back and they are really negative. His count is high, but only 8 percent of his swimmers were normally formed. The rest were abnormal, meaning that 92% of them would not be able to swim properly enough to fertilize an egg. The highest rate of abnormality that you need to conceive normally is 15 percent. So his is a little more than half that.
I have been a wreck all day, probably exacerbated by my monthly visitor. But this is just so depressing to me. He can have a minor operation to repair the vein, but there's no really strongly proven correlation with that operation and increased fertility. The next step would be IUI or IVF, but that is so expensive and it seems (from the internet) to work not really well, and even if it does, I never thought that I'd have to go through this and it's just shock and again, really, really depressing to me. I'm praying that his second analysis, requested by my doctor, is better, but I know in my heart that it won't be, because bad readings usually come from things that aren't clinically proven to exist, like his varicocele has been.
I can't help feeling like my hopes for a baby are over before they even started, and I know this makes me a bad person but I can't help but be kind of upset with James. I feel like if he had gotten this problem taken care of when it started, instead of waiting, because he is afraid of doctors, maybe things wouldn't have gotten this bad? And there is the fact that he continues to do things like drink and ride a bike, that can make his problem worse, even though we've both know that they do. I am trying hard not to let this slight resentment show because I really don't want J to feel badly. I really don't blame him for this, and I know it is not his fault. But basically I feel terrible, so terrible, and scared.
My aunt was never able to have children and I have always been petrified that, like her, I will never have a chance to be a mother. And here I am, faced with the very real chance of that thing I have feared happening.
Everything you're feeling is completely normal and expected. If we're running along the lines of TMI, I'll tell you now that for several months last year I felt similar feelings toward Bart because the prozac he was on to help him with his IBS kept him from getting very excited about anything in any way. That can certainly put a damper on the whole baby-making process, and that made me mad. I always knew that his whole problem was 75% in his head, and it angered me that he needed medicine to help push it out of his mind. Finally he quit taking the prozac because he spent 3-6 months just being, not feeling much of anything.
ReplyDeleteBy that time, I had pretty much given up. Of course giving up meant that I stopped stressing about it, too. Then I got pregnant, even if it was just for a little while. Sadly, your stress is just a detrimental to the whole process.
I don't think that guys can honestly even begin to fathom the emotions that we experience through the whole process. I don't think that they can understand it. Sometimes it hurts me that Bart doesn't feel, well sometimes I don't think he feels much of anything regarding the miscarriage. I know he does in his way, and I know that because he didn't lose something he could touch and know that the loss just isn't the same. I try to remember that whenever he doesn't understand how I feel about things. The truth of the matter is that most of their lives, most guys don't put as much importance on having children as we do. That's just the one of the main differences in the way we're made.
I still want kids, badly, but now I'm deathly afraid of the same thing happening again. Then I'm afraid of actually having a successful pregnancy and having to raise a baby. I spent that time I was pregnant vacillating between utter joy and happiness to being completely scared out of my wits. So, I'm in no hurry now to get pregnant again. I'm not trying not to, though, either. I have faith that everything will fall into place when it's supposed to. I have to.
So, I recommend to you to listen to some relaxing music, to read a good book, to meditate, to pray, and even to read Bible passages like those about Hannah, Elizabeth, Sarah, and Rachel. You're in my prayers in this and all other things.
I'm not going to belittle anything you're experiencing, but an unsuccessful month of trying isn't uncommon. It's also those first few months that are probably the hardest because every month you wait and then when your "friend" arrives, you're already hormonal so that doesn't help the feelings of fear and failure. Then the stress of wondering and worrying can make you late, which can make you think "maybe." It's a horrible cycle, and it makes me slightly resentful of people who seem to have no trouble at all.
Oh my friend, I am so sorry to hear about this. I will be praying—HARD—that God gives you a miracle in this area. I know I am the last person who can sympathize with you in this, but my heart is aching for you.
ReplyDeleteI do have a a friend who had a terribly difficult time getting pregnant, because of her husband's low sperm count, and he never changed anything in his lifestyle, either, to make it easier. By grace, they did manage to have three children, but the whole time was a terrible journey for her, of resenting her husband, and then feeling guilty about resenting him, and then resenting him more because she felt guilty over something that was his fault! She finally was able to talk to him about a lot of her feelings, which helped some, and then she let the rest of it go, which helped even more. Their last child was even a surprise baby, which she never thought would happen to her!
I know that doesn't happen in every case, but the very fact that there are cases like that gives me hope for you and James. And, like I said, I am praying hard for you!
I'm feeling a little more hopeful right now, after a good cry and encouraging words from you two ladies. Louise, thanks for the prayers and Adrienne thank you for sharing how you feel and letting me know that I'm not a monster for feeling scared about the prospect of parenthood, and for resenting James a little.
ReplyDeleteAnyway. Deep breath. J brought his report home today and I saw that his count and motility are high--well above normal levels. His overall fertility score is a 57, even with the low morphology numbers, so technically he is not labeled infertile. He can get surgery and has promised to try to change the lifestyle habits that contribute to this, so that surgery might not be necessary. Plus, if I have to get IUI or IVF that won't be too horrible, and besides that, maybe the doc will hook me up with twins so that I only have to do this once, lol.
I have decided to use this time to do as Adrienne says and try to relax and to use it to get myself into tiptop shape, so that the pregnancy that DOES HAPPEN will be a little easier on me.
Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. I'll let you guys know how they're working if this wasn't too much TMI for you.
I want twins. I want Liam and Lorelai (those names do not get past this blog) and then to never have to worry with pregnancy again.
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Adorable! If I have twins you know I am going to name them Elizabeth and Jessica, be they girls or boys. ;)
ReplyDeleteWhat, no Nan and Di?
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